Posted: February 15, 2021

Blog ,Couples Therapy ,Tips

Resolving Negative Emotions

“Conscious couples replace all spontaneous expressions of anger and rage with containment by expressing their negative feelings to each other ‘by appointment only’. Containment allows the expression of long-buried childhood resentment, anger, and rage in a safe environment in a way that leads to mutual healing and growth.”

When attending an Imago course or session one of the tools we teach our couples is the Imago dialogue. The Imago dialogue is a tool we can use which involves both the ability to express and contain emotions.

Anger and aggression are present in all intimate relationships. Recent research shows that anger leads to more anger. The more negative affect is expressed in a relationship, the angrier the partners become. Angry outbursts activate and further facilitate the activation of the neural pathways that are involved in anger thus further amplifying the anger.

Conscious coupes use the Imago Dialogue to share their feelings without blame or criticism and use the Behaviour change request Dialogue to transform frustrations. When unmet needs from childhood are acknowledged and respond to by the Imago Match partner anger and rage, triggered by the rupture of connection and the helplessness to restore that connection, diminish. It is important for couples to develop self-regulatory strategies to manage and calm their own anger so that they can express it by appointment in ways that create the increased safety, deeper understanding, and empathy that lead to growth and healing.

-Imago Couple’s workshop manual.

We as Imago therapists are trained to support your relationship and teach couples a new way to deal with difficult, painful, and/or negative situations in their relationship. A way that leads to more growth, understanding, and safety.

The emphasis is on a new way because we believe if the way you have been working through difficult situations was successful, you would not get stuck at the same place over and over again. We need to do something different to arrive at a different place.

Also, it is a process. The Imago dialogue is a structured process. It is not just having a normal conversation. To work through difficult situations in the same way we have a normal day-to-day conversation only leads to more aggression, misunderstandings, reactivity, and as a result to more disconnection. We as therapists, teach and facilitate you and your partner to communicate to each other in a different way which leads to more connection, despite the pain or uncomfortableness of the topic.

If we are able to have the most difficult conversation with our partner AND feel more connected towards each other afterward, just imagine what new possibilities can arise.

If you are interested in learning a new way to communicate, which will allow you to express and be contained in any and every emotion you are currently experiencing and to feel more connected, contact us today to book your space for now of our available processes.

Go have a look at our website for more information

We have different options to cater to every need and every relationship. Head over to our website to find out more about our session options, upcoming workshops, or intensives.

Book one of our other processes here:

Workshop/ Intensive/ Sessions with:

Kobus van der Merwe
Hendrien van der Bijl
Dr Cornel vd Merwe (Medical aid)

Posted: January 29, 2021

Couples Therapy

The Gift of Frustrations

“Frustration is a sign that something needs to change”

Did you know that some of the biggest frustrations you are currently experiencing in your relationship can also be one of the most beautiful gifts you can ever receive within your relationship with your partner?

Yes, you read it right. If you are currently feeling like you are ready to explode or like you are going to pull all the hair from your head because of frustration you have with your partner, to experience this ultimate frustration is not a sign that you made a mistake to be with the person you are today or that your relationship is busy failing. To be so irritated or frustrated with your partner is not a sign of the end but rather a sign that something needs to change in order for something new, and better to show up.

All relationships experience frustrations but it is possible to not get stuck to only focus on the negative but to move quicker through the frustration towards a mutual understanding. If you can start to realize that conflict and frustrations are part of your relationship and that every time an uncomfortable situation arises you are able to deal with it instead of denying it or running from it you will be able to discover something wonderful.

Like Harville Hendrix and Helen La Kelly wrote in one of their e-books, How to have a fight-free relationship:

“While conflict might make you uncomfortable, it can also invite you to reflect on your situation from a new perspective. You have a choice. You can act in ways that keep the conflict going. Or, you can turn the conflict into creative tension, which gives birth to new insights and talents. In fact, conflict is growth trying to happen.”

We believe that all frustrations contain a hidden desire.

“Dumping out your frustrations on your partner is toxic to the relationship but to break this destructive pattern of conflict requires effort. To have a fight-free relationship, you need to overcome your Autopilot responses and learn a new way of talking and listening. We call this intentional way of talking and listening to the “Imago Dialogue.” It is a structure to help facilitate partners a way of talking without criticism, listening without judging, and connecting through differences. Using this process, both the talker (the “Sender”) and the listening (the “Receiver”) will feel more respected and heard which begins to shift the negative patterns of relating.”

If we are able to listen to our partner’s frustrations without any judgment, criticism, or guilt, but just to listen to it we might come to understand where the frustration comes from and how we can start to act differently today. And if we are able to talk about our frustrations to our partners without only accusing them of experiencing the frustration, but if you are able to identify and own your own contribution to the situation and to explore it deeper to understand the actual fear or desire behind it- you as a couple can grow tremendously in ways you did not even know is possible.

But I hope you hear that is a co-creation, we need to listen in a certain way that invites our partners to also speak to us in a different way. If you are interested to learn more about how you and your partner can turn your ultimate frustrations into an ultimate growth opportunity for your relationship, please contact us to book your session today. We as Imago therapists specialize in helping couples to learn how to change the way they are speaking, the way they are listening in order to create a safe space where we are able to work through the difficult stuff that shows up in our relationships.

ALSO, GO HAVE A LOOK AT OUR NEW SPECIALIZED HYBRID PRODUCTS AT A REDUCED PRICE

We have different options to cater to every need and every relationship. Head over to our website to find out more about our session options, upcoming workshops, or intensives.

Book one of our other processes here:

Workshop/ Intensive/ Sessions with:

Posted: January 14, 2021

Intensives

Reduce your marital conflict with 90% TODAY

If you are ready to reduce your marital conflict by 90%, we recommend our Imago Relationship Intensive Program.

If you are prepared to work hard to improve your relationship, then the Imago Couples Intensive is designed for you.

In these three, full days of highly structured and effective couples therapy, you will be guided by an experienced Imago couples’ therapist and work towards repairing your relationship and becoming reconnected to one another.

The process will help you to makes sense of the emotional turmoil and the difficulties in being ‘stuck in a rut’. With structured and researched processes, the therapist can assist in healing the pain that comes from being disconnected. Too often, couples tend to focus on the symptoms. By only changing these, the change will not be meaningful or last. The Imago Couples Intensive will take you to the root of the pain and conflict in your relationship. If you can heal and change that, then you will be able to make a meaningful difference in your lives.

For who is this process?

For any relationship that might be in serious trouble and both people are willing to work together to repair it;

Couples that feel stuck in old patterns and want to move to a new and more creative way of relating to one another;

One party wants to leave the relationship, but is willing to put in “one last effort” to make it work;

Couples that want to transform the energy of the power struggle into an energy-filled with passion; and

Couples that want to learn the art of being connected and alive with each other.

How does it work?

The Imago Intensive runs over three consecutive days from 09:00 to 17:00 with a 90-minute lunch break. This is not a group process. It is one therapist working with a couple. I am therefore present with each interaction and process. This means that every step will be in tune with your unique situation and is developed so you get what you need for your relationship to heal.

The process consists of 25% theoretical work and 75% practical relationship work. Through the Imago Dialogue, reconnection, healing, and repair takes place. This means that the work happens between you (as a couple) and myself (as the facilitator) with structured and emotionally safe processes.

Do we need to be in trouble before doing the Intensive?

Most definitely not. If you want to develop your capacity to love and to connect, then this is an amazing process to learn how to do so. In fact, the reason why we experience all sorts of problems in our lives is to push us into being more aware and whole with one another.

So, why must you wait for a crisis to accomplish this? Choose to grow and to be alive. A relationship is an amazing place where you can embark on this journey together. And the Intensive will facilitate this.

Take Action. Book your intensive here

Rescue your marriage

With the Imago Couples Intensive, you will get all the professional care that your marriage needs to heal and repair. Email Elmarie here or phone her at 081 559 9130

We have different options to cater to every need and every relationship. Head over to our website to find out more about our session options, upcoming workshops, or intensives.

Posted: March 6, 2020

Uncategorized

Therapy that transforms your relationship

Relationship Therapy is seen by some people as something that couples need who fail in their relationships. You go for therapy when you fight or when there is trouble in your relationship.

And yes, it is true, when there is serious conflict in your relationship, you need relationship therapy. Sometimes couples are just too stuck in their power struggles to get out of it themselves.

But if relationship therapy is only interested in solving your problems and helping you to handle the conflict more adult and healthy, it is not going to last very long. (more…)